craziness of online cyber sex

Online computer users often engage
in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex ". Often the fantasies typed
into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty
raunchy. However, as you'll see
below, one of the two cyber- surfers in
the following transcript of an online
chat doesn't seem to quite get the
point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe
he does...
Wellhung : Hello, Sweetheart. What do
you look like?
Sweetheart : I am wearing a red silk
blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I
work out every day, I'm toned and
perfect. My measurements are
36-24- 36. What do you look like?
Wellhung : I'm 6'3 " and about 250
pounds.I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just
bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also
wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of
barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it
smells funny.
Sweetheart : I want you.Would you
like to screw me?
Wellhung : OK
Sweetheart : We're in my
bedroom.There's soft music playing
on the stereo and candles on my
dresser and night table.I 'm looking up
into your eyes, smiling. My hand
works its way down to your crotch and
begins to fondle your huge, swelling
bulge.
Wellhung : I'm gulping, I'm beginning
to sweat.
Sweetheart : I'm pulling up your shirt
and kissing your chest.
Wellhung : Now I'm unbuttoning your
blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart : I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung : I'm taking hold of your
blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart : I'm throwing my head
back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off
my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge
faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung : My hand suddenly jerks
spastically and accidentally rips a hole
in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart : That's OK, it wasn't
really too expensive.
Wellhung : I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart : Don't worry about it. I'm
wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I
breath harder and harder.
Wellhung : I'm fumbling with the clasp
on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you
have any scissors?
Sweetheart : I take your hand and
kiss it softly.I' m reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off
my body. The air caresses my breasts.
My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung : How did you do that? I'm
picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.
Sweetheart : I'm arching my back. Oh
baby. I just want to feel your tongue
all over me.
Wellhung : I'm dropping the bra. Now
I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
They're neat!
Sweetheart : I'm running my fingers
through your hair. Now I'm nibbling
your ear.
Wellhung : I suddenly sneeze. Your
breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart : What?
Wellhung : I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart : I'm wiping your phlegm
off my breasts with the remains of my
blouse.
Wellhung : I'm taking the sopping wet
blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart : OK. I'm pulling your
sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.
Wellhung : I'm screaming like a
woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart : I'm pulling up my
miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung : I'm pulling off your
panties. My tongue is going all over, in
and out nibbling on you...umm ... wait
a minute.
Sweetheart : What's the matter?
Wellhung : I've got a pubic hair caught
in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart : Are you OK?
Wellhung : I'm having a coughing fit.
I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart : Can I help?
Wellhung : I'm running to the kitchen,
choking wildly. I'm fumbling through
the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where
do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart : In the cabinet to the
right of the sink.
Wellhung : I'm drinking a cup of water.
There, that's better.
Sweetheart : Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung : I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart : I'm on the bed aching
for you.
Wellhung : I'm drying the cup. Now
I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And
now I'm walking back to the bedroom.
Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the
bedroom?
Sweetheart : Last door on the left at
the end of the hall.
Wellhung : I found it.
Sweetheart : I'm tuggin' off your
pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.
Wellhung : Me too.
Sweetheart : Your pants are off. I kiss
you passionately-our naked bodies
pressing each other.
Wellhung : Your face is pushing my
glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart : Why don't you take off
your glasses?
Wellhung : OK, but I can't see very
well without them. I place the glasses
on the night table.
Sweetheart : I'm bending over the
bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung : I have to pee. I'm fumbling
my way blindly across the room and
toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart : Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung : I find the bathroom and
it's dark. I'm feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart : I'm waiting eagerly for
your return.
Wellhung : I'm done going. I'm feeling
around for the flush handle, but I
can' t find it. Uh-oh !
Sweetheart : What's the matter now?
Wellhung : I've realized that I've peed
into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I'm walking back to the
bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart : Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung : OK, now I'm going to put
my.. .you know ...thing ...in your... you
know. ..woman's thing.
Sweetheart : Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung : I'm touching your smooth
butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck.
Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart : I'm moving my ass back
and forth, moaning. I can' t stand it
another second! Slide in! Screw me
now!
Wellhung : I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart : What?
Wellhung : I'm limp. I can't sustain an
erection.
Sweetheart : I'm standing up and
turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.
Wellhung : I'm shrugging with a sad
look on my face, my wiener all floppy.
I'm going to get my glasses and see
what's wrong.
Sweetheart : No, never mind. I'm
getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my
wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung : No wait! Now I'm
squinting, trying to find the night
table. I'm feeling along the dresser,
knocking over cans of hair spray,
picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart : I'm buttoning my
blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung : I've found my glasses. I'm
putting them on. My God! One of our
candles fell on the curtain. The curtain
is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked
look on my face.
Sweetheart : Go to hell. I'm logging
off, you loser!
Wellhung : Now the carpet is on fire!
Oh noooo!
Sweetheart : <logged off>

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I know the whole truth

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

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The moral of the Story: The bigger the sausage....

One day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipolata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipolata and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was happy! The next day the cat was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy! The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive Frankfurt whopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy. The moral or the story is: the bigger the sausage....the wetter the pussy!

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HOW TO REVENGE TO YOUR BOSS!!

A Manager, his Assistant, one old
woman and her young daughter are
traveling in a train and during the
course of time get themselves
introduced to each other and become temporary friends. The
train goes
through a tunnel and it gets completely
dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound
and then a slap! The train comes out of
the tunnel. The women and the
Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed. The Manager is
bending
over holding his face, which is red from
an apparent slap. All of them remain
diplomatic and nobody says
anything.The Old woman is
thinking:These Managers are all crazy after girls. He must have
kissed my
daughter in the tunnel. Very proper
that she slapped him.The Young girl is
thinking:The Manager must have tried
to kiss me but kissed my mother
instead and got slapped.The Manager is thinking:Damn it. My
Assistant must
have kissed the young girl. She might
have thought it was me and slapped
me.The Assistant is thinking:If this train
goes through another tunnel I will
make another kissing sound and slap my Manager again. He
keeps harassing
me in the Office

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To my dear wife/husband: The funny letters

                 

To My Dear Wife:
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband:
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation. Although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

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A man that fits the description

Newspaper Advert:
I am a young beautiful girl, lonely with so much love and care to give. I need a man who will never leave me, never beat me, and can satisfy me in bed. If you have these qualities, please contact me at the listed address......
Signed: Nene

Next day: Nene gets a knock on her door...She opens it to see a young man with no arms & no legs.

Nene: Yes...who are you and what can I do for you sir?

Man: My name is Sule. I'm here in response to your advert yesterday about needing a man.

Nene: But you're not fit enough for that sir.

Sule: Ma'am, as you can see I don't have arms so I can't beat you. I don't have legs, so I also can't leave you.

Nene: I see. So now sir, tell me: how can you satisfy me in bed?

Sule: With what do you think I knocked with ma'am?

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Monks' day off: what crazy things happen?

One day, the head monk told three monks to go out of the monastry and do whatever they pleased. At the end of the day, they would be forgiven.

The monks went out excited and at the end of the day, they came back to the head monk one by one.

He asked the first to arrive,"What did you do today?" The monk answered,"I robbed a convenience store." The head monk said,"It is ok. Go and drink the holy water."

The second monk appeared and was also asked the same question. He said,"I vandalised a school." The head monk also told him to go drink the holy water.

The third monk arrived and was asked what he did. He answered,"I pissed in the holy water"

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My 2kg nugget of gold:Humorous conversation

 A Husband and Wife, Both were very happy over the two kg boy that was born to them.
Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a two kg nugget of gold.
The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr.Brown.
When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.

The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter
and Mrs. Brown:

Reporter : Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown : Oh! Yes.

Reporter : Is he in?
Mrs. Brown : Why no, he went somewhere.

Reporter : Is it true that he owns a two kg nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.

Reporter : Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown : I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as
it is strictly private.

Reporter : Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown : No, it is quite near and convenient.

Reporter : How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown : Just for about ten months.

Reporter : Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown : Quite so...

Reporter : Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown : Not yet, but he is coming near...

Reporter : At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown : Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.

Reporter : Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown : You bet...........and how he perspires.

Reporter : Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown : He thought he was...

Reporter : How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown : I am in a good position to say so, because I own the place.

Reporter : Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown : No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the
site, with my consent.

Reporter : Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, I work under him...

Reporter : When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown : I think not because he enjoys working on it.

Reporter : Can I see the two kg nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, certainly
(and she showed him the two kg baby boy)

 

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That Awkward Moment; Part 1

Enjoy the following awkward moments and don't forget to share to your friends on facebook and twitter

That awkward moment...

1. when your friend leaves you alone with one of their friends

2. when you say bye to someone and you realize you are going in the same direction

3. when you wake up from a nap and you think its the next day, then you realize how stupid you are

4. when your parents try to make your friends laugh

5. when you getting yelled at and you try your hardest not to burst out laughing

6. when you don't want to come out of your room, cause strangers are in your house.

7. when you drying yourself after a shower and think..."did I just dry my balls with this part?"

8. when you glance at somebody staring at you

9. when someone says "you two should go out"

10. when you reject your parent's friend request on facebook then they ask you about it in person

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Chinese doctor better than American doctor

While in China, he is very sexually
promiscuous and does not use a
condom all the time. A week after
arriving back home in the States, he
wakes one morning to find his penis
covered with bright green and purple
bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a
doctor. The doctor, never having seen
anything like it, orders some tests and
tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns a couple of days and
the doctor says: "I've got bad news for
you. You've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here.
We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and
says: "Well, give me a shot or something
and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's
no known cure. We're going to have to
amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely
not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your
choice. Go ahead if you want, but
surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a
Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease. The Chinese
doctor examines his penis and
proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely
ware disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah,
I already know that, but what we can do?
My American doctor wants to operate
and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head
and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate. Make more
money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no
worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by
itself! You save money"

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Clever Insults: Part 3

This are other clever ways of insulting people. Use them as you wish

1. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive
2. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder, it would be genocide
3. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean
4. Keep talking some day you will say something intelligent
5. Learn from your parent's mistakes-use birth control
6. Pardon me, but you have obviously mistaken me for somebody who gives a damn
7. So a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey
8. There is no vaccine against stupidity
9. I thought of you today, I was at the zoo
10. I will never forget the first time we met, although I will keep trying                                       

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Fart rugby

 

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says "Five Points

His wife rolls over and says, "WHAT in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It`s Fart Rugby

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and Conversion, 7 points. "After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Try - 10 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty - 10 each."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he`s got and accidentally craps in the bed..........

The wife says " OMG!! What the hell was that?" The old man says,"Half time - change sides....

Bahahahaha!! LMFAO!

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WTF Sex facts: chapter 4

“formicophilia” is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals

Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal

Studies show that women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school drop outs

A man’s beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex

In earlier times, masturbation was believed to lead to blindness, madness, sudden death and other unpleasant diseases. Present research shows however there is no connection

The female bedbug has no sexual opening. To get around this dilemma the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the female

Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate

The word “fuck” is actually an acronym. It dates back to the good old days when England was severely under-populated due to the usual combination of fire, plague and war. The king issued an official order to replenish the population. Hence the phrase “Fornicate Under Command of the King” passed into everyday language

‘venus observa’ is the technical term for missionary position

Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientist tests found that when women make love they produce amount of hormone estrogen which makes the hair shine and skin smooth

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a girl and a boy plus knickers, funny story

One day there was a 14 year old girl in a nice short skirt. A boy about 16 walked up to her and said, "I bet you can’t climb that tree".
The girl replied, "Oh yes I can, watch".
The girl climbed up the tree and the boy looked up her skirt. When she came down he said, "I like your knickers".
The girl got upset and told her mum her mum said, "You silly girl you let him look up your skirt to see your knickers".
The next day the girl wore an even shorter skirt the boy said to her again, "I bet you can’t climb that tree", pointing to a taller one.
The girl climbed it and when she came down the boy never said nothing, he just looked very happy.
The girl told her mum again her mum said, "You silly girl you showed him your knickers again".
The girl replied, "No I tricked him this time, I didn’t wear any "

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"Phone Call"

A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have make love, they will call it a 'PHONE CALL' so that the kids will not decode.

One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that he wants to make a phone call.
Mother replies: Tell your father that the Network is bad today.Husband: Tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to the "Public Phone". wife sent back, tell your father that if he dares goes to a Public Phone, then I will open a "Call centre " at home=))

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