3 wishes

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, "I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

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diary of a new bride

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Kimani. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine, though.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Kimani happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them. I think it was the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe, which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind of silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday: Today Kimani asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Kimani came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work; I'll try and be supportive.

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again; it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Kimani went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute.When Kimani saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "Why me? Why me?"

It has to be his job.

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A LETTER FROM COLLEGE

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay???

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, so for I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no schwartze in my life..... However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science.... and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective

Your loving daughter,

Ann

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top tweets on twitter

1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

5 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

9 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 

 

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