craziness of online cyber sex

Online computer users often engage
in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex ". Often the fantasies typed
into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty
raunchy. However, as you'll see
below, one of the two cyber- surfers in
the following transcript of an online
chat doesn't seem to quite get the
point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe
he does...
Wellhung : Hello, Sweetheart. What do
you look like?
Sweetheart : I am wearing a red silk
blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I
work out every day, I'm toned and
perfect. My measurements are
36-24- 36. What do you look like?
Wellhung : I'm 6'3 " and about 250
pounds.I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just
bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also
wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of
barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it
smells funny.
Sweetheart : I want you.Would you
like to screw me?
Wellhung : OK
Sweetheart : We're in my
bedroom.There's soft music playing
on the stereo and candles on my
dresser and night table.I 'm looking up
into your eyes, smiling. My hand
works its way down to your crotch and
begins to fondle your huge, swelling
bulge.
Wellhung : I'm gulping, I'm beginning
to sweat.
Sweetheart : I'm pulling up your shirt
and kissing your chest.
Wellhung : Now I'm unbuttoning your
blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart : I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung : I'm taking hold of your
blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart : I'm throwing my head
back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off
my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge
faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung : My hand suddenly jerks
spastically and accidentally rips a hole
in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart : That's OK, it wasn't
really too expensive.
Wellhung : I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart : Don't worry about it. I'm
wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I
breath harder and harder.
Wellhung : I'm fumbling with the clasp
on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you
have any scissors?
Sweetheart : I take your hand and
kiss it softly.I' m reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off
my body. The air caresses my breasts.
My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung : How did you do that? I'm
picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.
Sweetheart : I'm arching my back. Oh
baby. I just want to feel your tongue
all over me.
Wellhung : I'm dropping the bra. Now
I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
They're neat!
Sweetheart : I'm running my fingers
through your hair. Now I'm nibbling
your ear.
Wellhung : I suddenly sneeze. Your
breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart : What?
Wellhung : I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart : I'm wiping your phlegm
off my breasts with the remains of my
blouse.
Wellhung : I'm taking the sopping wet
blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart : OK. I'm pulling your
sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.
Wellhung : I'm screaming like a
woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart : I'm pulling up my
miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung : I'm pulling off your
panties. My tongue is going all over, in
and out nibbling on you...umm ... wait
a minute.
Sweetheart : What's the matter?
Wellhung : I've got a pubic hair caught
in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart : Are you OK?
Wellhung : I'm having a coughing fit.
I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart : Can I help?
Wellhung : I'm running to the kitchen,
choking wildly. I'm fumbling through
the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where
do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart : In the cabinet to the
right of the sink.
Wellhung : I'm drinking a cup of water.
There, that's better.
Sweetheart : Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung : I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart : I'm on the bed aching
for you.
Wellhung : I'm drying the cup. Now
I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And
now I'm walking back to the bedroom.
Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the
bedroom?
Sweetheart : Last door on the left at
the end of the hall.
Wellhung : I found it.
Sweetheart : I'm tuggin' off your
pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.
Wellhung : Me too.
Sweetheart : Your pants are off. I kiss
you passionately-our naked bodies
pressing each other.
Wellhung : Your face is pushing my
glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart : Why don't you take off
your glasses?
Wellhung : OK, but I can't see very
well without them. I place the glasses
on the night table.
Sweetheart : I'm bending over the
bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung : I have to pee. I'm fumbling
my way blindly across the room and
toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart : Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung : I find the bathroom and
it's dark. I'm feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart : I'm waiting eagerly for
your return.
Wellhung : I'm done going. I'm feeling
around for the flush handle, but I
can' t find it. Uh-oh !
Sweetheart : What's the matter now?
Wellhung : I've realized that I've peed
into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I'm walking back to the
bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart : Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung : OK, now I'm going to put
my.. .you know ...thing ...in your... you
know. ..woman's thing.
Sweetheart : Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung : I'm touching your smooth
butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck.
Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart : I'm moving my ass back
and forth, moaning. I can' t stand it
another second! Slide in! Screw me
now!
Wellhung : I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart : What?
Wellhung : I'm limp. I can't sustain an
erection.
Sweetheart : I'm standing up and
turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.
Wellhung : I'm shrugging with a sad
look on my face, my wiener all floppy.
I'm going to get my glasses and see
what's wrong.
Sweetheart : No, never mind. I'm
getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my
wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung : No wait! Now I'm
squinting, trying to find the night
table. I'm feeling along the dresser,
knocking over cans of hair spray,
picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart : I'm buttoning my
blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung : I've found my glasses. I'm
putting them on. My God! One of our
candles fell on the curtain. The curtain
is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked
look on my face.
Sweetheart : Go to hell. I'm logging
off, you loser!
Wellhung : Now the carpet is on fire!
Oh noooo!
Sweetheart : <logged off>

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FUNNY STUFF ON PEOPLE’S T-SHIRTS

 

Woman by birth, bitch by choice

SURVIVE THIS (printed right across the breasts)

I lost my virginity, can I have yours?

You can pay for sex but AIDS is on the house

[on a toddler’s t-shirt] allergic to tidiness

On a guy’s t-shirt- If lost please return to the bar

Am a virgin, PS the t-shirt is old

I found your eyes, it was in my ‘business’

[on a guy’s T-shirt] objects below are larger than they appear

[on a girl’s t-shirt] Insert to be milked

Keep staring…your boyfriend wont notice

You’re not looking on the right road now be careful

       

   You look like my next girlfriend

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Man and Woman's Diary 

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21ST CENTURY LIFE

Our phones: Wireless

Cooking: fireless

Food: Fatless

Dresses: Sleeveless

Youth: Jobless

Leaders: Shameless

Relationships: Meaningless

Attitude: Careless

Feelings: Heartless

Education: Valueless

But still our hopes: Endless

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Our Beer

Our beer which cometh in bottles, hallowed be thy drink, thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, at home as it is in the Tavern, give us each day, our daily beverage, and forgive our spillages, as we forgive those who spill against us and lead us not into incarceration, but deliver us from hangovers for thine is the Vodka, the shots and the cocktails, forever and ever , BARMEN

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Brains in jail

 
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison: “this year I wont be able to plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here you would help me”

The son wrote back:” Dad don’t even think of digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole”

Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found. The next day the son wrote again: “ Now plant your potatoes dad; it’s the best I can do from here…”

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top tweets on twitter

1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

5 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

9 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 

 

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what are men like? find out

Men Are Like

..Placemats.

They only show up when there's food on the table.

..Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

..Bike helmets.

They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

..Government bonds.

They take so long to mature.

..Copiers.

You need them in reproduction but that's about it.

..Lava lamps.

Fun to look at it but not all that bright.

..Bank accounts.

Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

..High heels.

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

..Curling irons.

They're always hot and always in your hair.

..Mini skirts.

If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

..Handguns.

Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

..Floor tiles.

Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.

..Parking spots.

The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

..Bananas.

The older they get, the less firm they are.

like my facebook page here or follow me on twitter here

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advice to women

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books .

14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal!

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LADIES, THIS IS THE KIND OF MAN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR... OR MAY BE NOT

John: At last I can hardly wait!
Mary: Do you want me to leave you?
John: no! Don’t ever think about it
Mary: do you love me?
John: of course, always have and always will
Mary: have you ever cheated on me?
John: no why you even asking?
Mary: will you kiss me?
John: every chance i get.
Mary: will you hit me?
John: hell no! Are you mad.
Mary: can i trust you?
John: yes
Mary: Darling!


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