Friday, April 6, 2012

cant believe i shed!! touched my heart

There was a skinny young boy who loved football with all his heart. Practice after practice, he eagerly gave everything he had. But being half the size of the boys, he got absolutely nowhere. At all the games this hopeful athlete sat on the bench and hardly ever played. This teenager lived alone with his father, and the two of them had a very special relationship. Even though the son was always on the bench, his father was always in the stands cheering.


He never missed a game. This young man was still the smallest of the
class when he entered high school. But his father continued to encourage him but also made it very clear that he did not have to play football if he didn't want to. But the young man loved football and decided to hang in there. He was determined to try his best at every practice, and perhaps he'd get to play when he became a senior. All through high school he never missed a practice nor a game, but remained a bench warmer all four years.


His faithful father was always in the stands, always with words of
encouragement for him. When the young man went to college, he decided to try out for the football team as a "walk-in." Everyone was sure he could never make the cut, but he did. The coach admitted that he kept him on the roster because he always puts his heart and soul into every practice, and at the same time, provided the other members with the spirit and hustle they badly needed.
The news that he had survived the cut thrilled him so much that he rushed to the nearest phone and called his father. His father shared his excitement and was sent reason tickets for all the college games. This persistent young athlete never missed practice during his four years at college, but he never got to play in a game. It was the end of his senior football season, and as he trotted onto the practice field shortly before the big playoff game, the coach met him with a telegram. The young man read the telegram and he became deathly silent.
Swallowing hard, he mumbled to the coach, "My father died this morning. Is it all right if I miss practice today?"


The coach put his arm gently around his shoulder and said, "Take the
rest of the week off, son. And don't even plan to come back to the game on Saturday."


Saturday arrived, and the game was not going well. In the third quarter,
when the team was ten points behind, a silent young man quietly slipped into the empty locker room and put on his gear. As he ran onto the sidelines, the coach and his players were astounded to see their faithful team mate back so soon.


"Coach, please let me play. I've just got to play today," said the young
man.


The coach pretended not to hear him. There was no way he wanted his
worst player in this close playoff game. But the young man persisted, and finally feeling sorry for the kid, the coach gave in. "All right," he said. "You can go in."
Before long, the coach, the players and everyone in the stands could not believe their eyes. This little unknown, who had never played before was doing everything right. The opposing team could not stop him. He ran, he passed, blocked, and tackled like a star. His team began to triumph. The score was soon tied. In the closing seconds of the game, this kid intercepted a pass and ran all the way for the winning touchdown. The fans broke loose. His team mates hoisted him onto their shoulders. Such cheering you never heard.
Finally, after the stands had emptied and the team had showered and left the locker room, the coach noticed that this young man was sitting quietly in the corner all alone. The coach came to him and said, "Kid, I can't believe it. You were fantastic! Tell me what got into you? How did you do it?"
He looked at the coach, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Well, you knew my Dad died, but did you know that he was blind?" The young man swallowed hard and forced a smile, "Dad came to all my games, but today was the first time he could see me play, and I wanted to show him I could do it.............!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Some Wives can’t Sleep without making their Husbands do this…WEIRD!!!


Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this
in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the craziest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg
you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more
considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for
tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on
when you want the window open, do it
yourself!!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Reveal your Naughty bedroom secrets and earn a Prize


On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago,
IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're
married or in a serious relationship. If yes,
then this person is asked three very personal
questions and the significant other's name and
work phone number. If the significant other
answers correctly, then they are winners.
This particular day it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know
"Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First name only
please.
Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married"
or what, Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.

DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your
wife's name? First only please, Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was
the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.

Brian: About 8 this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No
one would ever have said that if it there
weren't a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you
had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...

DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that
her mom is staying with us for a couple of
weeks and she was taking a shower at the
time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: "Not that great"? That is more
adventurous than the last hundred times I
have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put
Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and
call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we?
(touch tones...*ringing*)

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have
been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours
now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the
line with us. Brian knows not to give away any
answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know
the rules of "Mate Match"?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you
up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions
honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian.

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you
three questions and if you answer exactly what
Brian has said, then the two of you are off to
Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does
include tickets to Disney World and Sea
World.

Sara: All right.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian
went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING
DING DING.

DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it
last?

Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14
minutes I think DING DING DING.

DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I
guess she's trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Last question: where did you do it?

Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell
them did you?!?!

Brian: Just tell him honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?

Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is
vacationing with us and...

DJ: SHE SAW?!?!

Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?!

Brian: NO, no she didn't.

DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with
your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you
told them this.

Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where
did you do it?
Sara: In the ass. (long pause)

DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen.
anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely
Orlando, Florida.

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Thursday, March 1, 2012

Have this Condition and a doctor may Laugh at you


Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they ever laughed at their patients' problems.


The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.


'Okay then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.


Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'


It's swollen,' Scott replied.

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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Three Chinese Tortures Men CAN’T withstand


A young man was lost wandering in a
forest, when he came upon a small
house. He knocked on the door and
was greeted by an ancient Chinese
man with a long, grey beard. "I'm
lost," said the man. "Can you put me
up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said,
"but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will
inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the
daughter must be pretty old as well,
and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came
down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the
young man since she couldn't keep her
eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning,
he ignored her and went up to bed
alone. But during he night, he could
bear it no longer, and sneaked into her
room for a night of passion. He was
careful to keep everything quiet so
the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn
he crept back to his room, exhausted,
but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his
chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that
read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock
on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he
thought. "If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to
worry about." He picked the boulder
up, walked over to the window and
threw the boulder out. As he did so he
noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left
testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw
the rope that was already getting
close to the end. Figuring that a few
broken bones was better than
castration, he jumped out of the
window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a
large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied
to bedpost."

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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A very serious Testicle condition


The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.


"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

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Sunday, February 19, 2012

Ridiculuos sex myths:#5. Pregnancy Happens Immediately, or Not at All




Have you ever watched an episode of The Maury Povich Show that involved paternity tests? Rhetorical question, they're all about paternity tests. Anyway, at some point you probably heard this:
"Well, Maury, I know it was Ray Bob because I remember exactly six weeks earlier to the day from when my doctor said I was six weeks pregnant, Ray Bob and I didn't use any protection. I don't use protection at all, actually, because it's a sin. But Ray Bob was the only person I had sex with that week. I didn't sleep with the other three since the Friday before that. It was a party."
Call her a slut all you want, but you'd have to admit, that logic seems at least sort of valid, right? Six weeks pregnant means the guy she had sex with exactly six weeks ago is the lucky winner, simple as that. How are they ever wrong?
But Actually ...
If it were really as simple as that, Maury wouldn't even need paternity tests, just a staff full of people who can decipher hillbilly speak and count backward. But what people fail to take into account is that sperm doesn't die just because you've zipped up and moved on to the next suitor.

In truth, sperm are hardier than the fragile balls that birthed them. They can stay alive and viable for days after ejaculation, watching and waiting for their opportunity to make a happy accident. Just how long can a sperm survive in the wild and terrible world? BabyMed says five days, WebMD concurs. The Mayo Clinic allows that they can survive "perhaps even longer."
In reality, sperm have been found to survive longer than a week hiding out in the reproductive tract. If you (ladies) have sex at all in the seven days leading up to ovulation, some of that sperm could be making its way up your fallopian tubes just in time for that new egg to pop in. (Eggs "pop," right?)

What's more, at least one study has shown that sperm can keep on sperming for as long eight days and still remain viable. That means that a lag between the time when you make the biggest mistake of your life and when that mistake actually results in an unwanted pregnancy is totally possible.

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Sunday, February 12, 2012

The Troubles Priests experience taking a bath


Two priests went to take a bath after late mass. In the middle of the bath they realized they had forgotten soap. Not expecting anyone around at that time, one of them ran out naked to pick the soap. He picked two bars. On the way back he heard some people talking. He stood on wall disguised as a statue. They were 3 nuns. “What’s this?” asked the 1st nun. She touched his dick and he dropped one bar of soap. “A soap dispenser” she said. The 2nd nun touched it and he dropped the 2nd bar. “Yes it is” she said. The 3rd nun touched it but since he had two bars, he couldn’t drop another one.  She continued rubbing the dick harder and harder…”Look hand cream!!!” she said.

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The six men in a Woman’s life who turn her on


The doctor because he says “Take off your clothes”

The dentist because he says “Open wide”

The milkman because he says “Do you want it in the front or the back”

The hairdresser- “Do you want it teased or blown?”

The interior designer- “once it’s in you will love it”

The banker because he says “If you take it out too soon you’ll lose interest”

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Avoid Confusions like these


A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.


"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to  wash your hands and feet".


He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"
Now being a man and not been able to have sex for quite some time, he gets a hard on. The nurse had never seen a dick as huge as his and they soon got their game on.


After they were done, the man finally pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Golf Ball that landed in cow's 'behind'


A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"....


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Deadly Virus called WORK


The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a
highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted
orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone
else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe
out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with
WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or
both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until the feeling of WORK has been completely eliminated from
your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If
you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK
is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

How sex changes your language


This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

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Friday, February 3, 2012

VEGAS Prostitutes


George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."


"Harriet, she's a prostitute."


"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"


"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."


In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."


"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

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Mother asked 3 Daughters who got Married. At The Same Time To Send postcard from their honeymoon to tell about how Marital sex felt.
1st girl sent a card 2 days after wedding with just written "Nescafe"! Mom checked Nescafe jar It said: "Good till the
last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her.
2nd girl sent the card after a week:"Rothmans"
Mom checked her husbands cigarettes, which
read: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still
happy for her daughter.
3rd girl after a MONTH!!: In shaky handwriting. "Singapore Airways" Mom took out her latest magazine, saw the ad
which said:
"Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways, even from where U speak."
Mom fainted :D :D :D


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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for 20,000 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly R1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over R2 million. She explained that she had ‘charged’ him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you."….

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Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Geography of a man and woman: comparing Humans to countries


Geography of a Woman: Comparing a woman to countries

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN: Comparing a man to countries

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ,

ruled by nuts.

THE END


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Differences between men and women

 
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and
John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Godzilla,Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in
£20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man
will dress up for weddings and funerals.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware
of some short people living in the house.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Kissing Those Boobs for 10 thousand dollars


"Excuse me", Mike stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how
beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her
breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I
could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck Mike when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a
few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step
inside."OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can
kiss my wife's tits." At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of
desire hang free at last. Mike takes one in each hand, and
proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy.This goes
on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed."Well,come on already,kiss 'em!" he growls."I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away."Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now."I don't have ten thousand dollars."

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A little boy and his grandfather are raking
leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an
earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He
says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back
in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet
you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and
limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes
back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the
worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five
dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the
house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather
comes back out and hands the little boy
another five dollars. The little boy says,

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from
your grandma "
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Treating the Groin Injury..LMAO


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"



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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

These questions will make feel so stupid.

Below are four questions. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them, immediately.

First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?


Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.


Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?


Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? YOU are the last person.
You're not very good at this are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?


Answer:
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?



Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter? (a, e, i, o, u)?


Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course, not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

FRUSTRATE THE "SMART PEOPLE" IN YOUR LIFE! SHARE TO THEM!!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Omwami the Funny Retard


Omwami bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
============ ========= ========= ======
Omwami: I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Omwami: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Omwami: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Omwami : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is the final game.
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Omwami : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Omwami : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
============ ========= ========= ========= ==
Omwami : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Omwami : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again..
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Omwami complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How come the thief did not take TV?'
Omwami : 'I was watching TV news...'
============ ========= ========= ========= ==
Omwami comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for the compliment.'
============ ========= ========= ========= ======
How do you recognize Omwami in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========
Once Omwami was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast ann ounced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Omwami in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Omwami : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Omwami - If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Omwami : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====
Omwami told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Omwami: 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'


Saturday, January 21, 2012

How old people do Foreplay


After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

WE RECOMMEND



A REALLY TOUCHING STORY

 
I was walking around in a Big Bazar store making shopping, when I saw
a Cashier talking to a boy couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years
old..

The Cashier said, ‘I’m sorry, but you don’t have enough money to buy
this doll. Then the little boy turned to me and asked: ”Uncle, are
you sure I don’t have enough money?”

I counted his cash and replied: ”You know that you don’t have enough
money to buy the doll, my dear.” The little boy was still holding the
doll in his hand.

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give
this doll to. ‘It’s the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so
much . I wanted to Gift her for her BIRTHDAY.

I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my
sister when she goes there.’ His eyes were so sad while saying this.
‘My Sister has gone to be with God.. Daddy says that Mommy is going to
see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with
her to give it to my sister…”

My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said: ‘I
told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I
come back from the mall.’ Then he showed me a very nice photo of him
where he was laughing. He then told me ‘I want mommy to take my
picture with her so my sister won’t forget me.’ ‘I love my mommy and I
wish she doesn’t have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go
to be with my little sister.’ Then he looked again at the doll with
sad eyes, very quietly..

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. ‘Suppose we check
again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?”

‘OK’ he said, ‘I hope I do have enough.’ I added some of my money to
his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough
for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: ‘Thank you God for giving me enough money!’

Then he looked at me and added, ‘I asked last night before I went to
sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so
that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!” ‘I also wanted
to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn’t
dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll
and a white rose. My mommy loves white roses.’

I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I
started. I couldn’t get the little boy out of my mind. Then I
remembered a local

news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a
truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl. The
little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical
state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the
life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to
recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news
paper that the young woman had passed away.. I couldn’t stop myself as
I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where
the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make
last wishes before her burial. She was there, in her coffin, holding a
beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and
the doll placed over her chest. I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling
that my life had been changed for ever…

The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is
still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a
drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Please DO NOT DRINK & DRIVE.
SHARE THIS STORY IF IT DID TOUCH YOUR HEART 

Monday, January 16, 2012

Blind man with a creative way to read a menu

 
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits
down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and
hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read
the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it
and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the
dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's
table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose
and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and
mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks
towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her
what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and
the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get
you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it
to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says,
"That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks
the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the
next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time
the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your
panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the
fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered
you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes
a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
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Sunday, January 15, 2012

Reasons why dogs are better than women


Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that flatulence is funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk and the
back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you



Saturday, January 14, 2012

When I sneeze have an orgasm

 
A man and a woman were sitting beside each
other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped
her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to
fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few
minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took
a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered
violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold,
the man was still curious about the
shuddering. A few more minutes passed when
the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose,
her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man
turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help
but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
Are you OK?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have
an orgasm. '

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was
still curious. I have never heard of that
condition before' he said. 'Are you taking
anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'
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