The Three Chinese Tortures Men CAN’T withstand

A young man was lost wandering in a
forest, when he came upon a small
house. He knocked on the door and
was greeted by an ancient Chinese
man with a long, grey beard. "I'm
lost," said the man. "Can you put me
up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said,
"but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will
inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the
daughter must be pretty old as well,
and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came
down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the
young man since she couldn't keep her
eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning,
he ignored her and went up to bed
alone. But during he night, he could
bear it no longer, and sneaked into her
room for a night of passion. He was
careful to keep everything quiet so
the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn
he crept back to his room, exhausted,
but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his
chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that
read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock
on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he
thought. "If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to
worry about." He picked the boulder
up, walked over to the window and
threw the boulder out. As he did so he
noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left
testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw
the rope that was already getting
close to the end. Figuring that a few
broken bones was better than
castration, he jumped out of the
window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a
large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied
to bedpost."

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A very serious Testicle condition

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.


"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

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Ridiculuos sex myths:#5. Pregnancy Happens Immediately, or Not at All

Have you ever watched an episode of The Maury Povich Show that involved paternity tests? Rhetorical question, they're all about paternity tests. Anyway, at some point you probably heard this:

"Well, Maury, I know it was Ray Bob because I remember exactly six weeks earlier to the day from when my doctor said I was six weeks pregnant, Ray Bob and I didn't use any protection. I don't use protection at all, actually, because it's a sin. But Ray Bob was the only person I had sex with that week. I didn't sleep with the other three since the Friday before that. It was a party."

Call her a slut all you want, but you'd have to admit, that logic seems at least sort of valid, right? Six weeks pregnant means the guy she had sex with exactly six weeks ago is the lucky winner, simple as that. How are they ever wrong?

But Actually ...

If it were really as simple as that, Maury wouldn't even need paternity tests, just a staff full of people who can decipher hillbilly speak and count backward. But what people fail to take into account is that sperm doesn't die just because you've zipped up and moved on to the next suitor.

In truth, sperm are hardier than the fragile balls that birthed them. They can stay alive and viable for days after ejaculation, watching and waiting for their opportunity to make a happy accident. Just how long can a sperm survive in the wild and terrible world? BabyMed says five days, WebMD concurs. The Mayo Clinic allows that they can survive "perhaps even longer."

In reality, sperm have been found to survive longer than a week hiding out in the reproductive tract. If you (ladies) have sex at all in the seven days leading up to ovulation, some of that sperm could be making its way up your fallopian tubes just in time for that new egg to pop in. (Eggs "pop," right?)

What's more, at least one study has shown that sperm can keep on sperming for as long eight days and still remain viable. That means that a lag between the time when you make the biggest mistake of your life and when that mistake actually results in an unwanted pregnancy is totally possible.

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The Troubles Priests experience taking a bath

Two priests went to take a bath after late mass. In the middle of the bath they realized they had forgotten soap. Not expecting anyone around at that time, one of them ran out naked to pick the soap. He picked two bars. On the way back he heard some people talking. He stood on wall disguised as a statue. They were 3 nuns. “What’s this?” asked the 1^st nun. She touched his dick and he dropped one bar of soap. “A soap dispenser” she said. The 2^nd nun touched it and he dropped the 2^nd bar. “Yes it is” she said. The 3^rd nun touched it but since he had two bars, he couldn’t drop another one.  She continued rubbing the dick harder and harder…”Look hand cream!!!” she said.

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The six men in a Woman’s life who turn her on

The doctor because he says “Take off your clothes”

The dentist because he says “Open wide”

The milkman because he says “Do you want it in the front or the back”

The hairdresser- “Do you want it teased or blown?”

The interior designer- “once it’s in you will love it”

The banker because he says “If you take it out too soon you’ll lose interest”

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Avoid Confusions like these

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.


"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to  wash your hands and feet".


He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"
Now being a man and not been able to have sex for quite some time, he gets a hard on. The nurse had never seen a dick as huge as his and they soon got their game on.


After they were done, the man finally pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

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Golf Ball that landed in cow's 'behind'

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"....

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Deadly Virus called WORK

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a
highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted
orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone
else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe
out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with
WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or
both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until the feeling of WORK has been completely eliminated from
your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If
you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK
is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.

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How sex changes your language

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.

However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."

The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."

So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

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VEGAS Prostitutes

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."


"Harriet, she's a prostitute."


"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"


"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."


In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."


"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

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Mother asked 3 Daughters who got Married. At The Same Time To Send postcard from their honeymoon to tell about how Marital sex felt.
1st girl sent a card 2 days after wedding with just written "Nescafe"! Mom checked Nescafe jar It said: "Good till the
last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her.
2nd girl sent the card after a week:"Rothmans"
Mom checked her husbands cigarettes, which
read: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still
happy for her daughter.
3rd girl after a MONTH!!: In shaky handwriting. "Singapore Airways" Mom took out her latest magazine, saw the ad
which said:
"Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways, even from where U speak."
Mom fainted :D :D :D

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for 20,000 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly R1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over R2 million. She explained that she had ‘charged’ him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you."….

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Geography of a man and woman: comparing Humans to countries

Geography of a Woman: Comparing a woman to countries

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN: Comparing a man to countries

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ,

ruled by nuts.

THE END

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