40 WAYS MEN FAIL IN BED

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.

Avoiding her lips and diving straight

for the erogenous zones makes her

feel like you're paying by the hour and

trying to get your money's worth by

cutting out nonessentials. A properly

passionate kiss is the ultimate form of

foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.

Admit it, some kid at school told you

girls love this. Well, there's a

difference between being erotic and

blowing as if you're trying to

extinguish the candles on your 50th

birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.

You often forget you have a

porcupine strapped to your chin

which you rake repeatedly across your

partner's face and thighs. When she

turns her head from side to side, it's

not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.

Most men act like a housewife testing

a melon for ripeness when they get

their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress,

and soothe them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.

Why do men fasten onto a woman's

nipples, then clamp down like they're

trying to deflate her body via her

breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.

They can' t stand up to chewing. Lick

and suck them gently. Flicking your

tongue across them is good.

Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.

Stop doing that thing where you

twiddle the nipples between finger

and thumb like you're trying to find a

radio station in a hilly area. Focus on

the whole breasts, not just the

exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF

HER BODY.

A woman is not a highway with just

three turnoffs: Breastville East and

West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There

are vast areas of her body which

you've ignored far too often as you go

bombing straight into downtown

Vagina. So start paying them some

attention.

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.

Poor manual dexterity in the

underskirt region can result in tangled

fingers and underpants. If you're

going to be that aggressive, just ask

her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.

Condom disposal is the man's

responsibility. You wore it, you store

it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.

Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so

gently rotate your fingers along side of

the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.

Women, unlike men, don't pick up

where they left off. If you stop, they

plummet back to square one very fast.

If you can tell she's not there, keep

going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.

Women hate looking stupid, but

stupid she will look when naked at the

waist with a sweater stuck over her

head. Unwrap her like an elegant

present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING

FOREPLAY.

Stroking her gently through her

panties can be very sexy. Pulling the

material up between her thighs and

yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE

VAGINA.

Although most men can find the

clitoris without maps, they still believe

that the vagina is where it's all at. No

sooner is your hand down there than

you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes

up a chimney. This is okay in principle,

but if you're not careful, it can hurt -

so don't get carried away. It's best to

pay more attention to her clitoris and

the exterior of her vagina at first, then

gently slip a finger inside her and see

if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.

You're attempting to give her a

sensual, relaxing massage to get her

in the mood. Hands and fingertips are

okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.

Don't force the issue by stripping

before she' s at least made some move

toward getting your stuff off, even if

it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.

A man in socks and underpants is a at

his worst. Lose the socks first!

18) GOING TOO FAST.

When you get to the penis-in-vagina

situation, the worst thing you can do

is pump away like an industrial power

tool - she' ll soon feel lie an assembly-

line worker made obsolete by your

technology. Build up slowly, with

clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.

If you bash your great triangular hip

bones into her thigh or stomach, the

pain is equal to two weeks of

horseback riding concentrated into a

few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.

Every man's fear. With reason. If you

shoot before you see the whites of

her eyes, make sure you have a

backup plan to ensure her pleasure

too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.

It may appear to you that humping for

an hour without climaxing is the mark

of a sex god, but to her it's more likely

the mark of a numb vagina. At least

buy some intriguing wall hangings, so

she has something to hold her

interest while you're playing Marathon

Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.

You really ought to be able to tell.

Most women make noise. But if you

really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO

GENTLY.

Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of

milk. Get your whole mouth down

there, and concentrate on gently

rotating or flicking your tongue on her

clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.

Men persist in doing this until she's

eyeball- to-penis, hoping that it will

lead very swiftly to mouth-to -penis. All

women hate this. It's about three

steps from being dragged to a cave by

their hair. If you want her to use her

mouth, use yours; try talking

seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU

CLIMAX.

Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with

egg white. Not everybody likes it.

When she's performing oral sex, warn

her before you come so she can do

what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING

FELLATIO.

Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving

during fellatio. You just lie there. And

don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM

PORN MOVIES.

In X-rated movies, women seem to

love it when men ejaculate over them.

In real life, it just means more laundry

to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR

AGES.

Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying

there grunting while she does all the

hard work is not. Caress her gently, so

that she doesn't feel quite so much

like the captain of a schooner. And let

her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND

PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

This is how men earn a reputation for

not being able to follow directions. If

you want to put it there, ask her first.

And don't think that being drunk is an

excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.

When a man says, "Can I take a photo

of you?" she'll hear the words "__to

show my buddies." At least let her

have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE

ENOUGH.

Imagination is anything from drawing

patterns on her back to pouring

honey on her and licking it off. Fruit,

vegetables, ice and feathers are all

handy props; hot candle wax and

permanent dye are a no-no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH

AGAINST HERS.

There is no less erotic noise. It's as

sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID

POSES.

If she wants to do advanced yoga in

bed, fine, but unless she's a

Romanian gymnast, don't get too

ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a

sexual partner with snapped

hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.

Read this carefully: Anal stimulation

feels good for men because they have

a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.

It is highly erotic to exert some gentle

suction on the sides of the neck, if

you do it carefully. No woman wants

to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty

scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.

Don't shout encouragement like a

coach with a megaphone. It's not a

big turn-on .

37) TALKING DIRTY.

It makes you sound like a lonely

magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If

she likes nasty talk, she'll let you

know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE

COMES.

You have to finish the job. Keep on

trying until you get it right, and she

might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.

Men generally weigh more than

women, so if you lie on her a bit too

heavily, she will turn blue.

40) NOT THANKING HER.

Don't forget that you're a slob and

you're lucky to have that goddess in

your life. Be sure to thank her with

BOTH words and actions.

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