Differences between men and women

 

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and
John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Godzilla,Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in
£20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man
will dress up for weddings and funerals.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware
of some short people living in the house.

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Kissing Those Boobs for 10 thousand dollars

"Excuse me", Mike stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how
beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her
breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I
could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck Mike when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a
few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step
inside."OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can
kiss my wife's tits." At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of
desire hang free at last. Mike takes one in each hand, and
proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy.This goes
on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed."Well,come on already,kiss 'em!" he growls."I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away."Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now."I don't have ten thousand dollars."

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Erection Spray that earns you $5

 

A little boy and his grandfather are raking
leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an
earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He
says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back
in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet
you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and
limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes
back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the
worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five
dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the
house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather
comes back out and hands the little boy
another five dollars. The little boy says,

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from
your grandma "

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Treating the Groin Injury..LMAO

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"


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Brains in Jail

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These questions will make feel so stupid.

Below are four questions. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them, immediately.

First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?


Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.


Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?


Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? YOU are the last person.
You're not very good at this are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?


Answer:
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?



Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter? (a, e, i, o, u)?


Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course, not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

FRUSTRATE THE "SMART PEOPLE" IN YOUR LIFE! SHARE TO THEM!!

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Omwami the Funny Retard

Omwami bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
============ ========= ========= ======
Omwami: I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Omwami: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Omwami: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Omwami : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is the final game.
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Omwami : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Omwami : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
============ ========= ========= ========= ==
Omwami : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Omwami : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again..
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Omwami complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How come the thief did not take TV?'
Omwami : 'I was watching TV news...'
============ ========= ========= ========= ==
Omwami comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for the compliment.'
============ ========= ========= ========= ======
How do you recognize Omwami in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========
Once Omwami was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast ann ounced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Omwami in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Omwami : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Omwami - If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Omwami : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====
Omwami told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Omwami: 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

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How old people do Foreplay

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

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A REALLY TOUCHING STORY

 

I was walking around in a Big Bazar store making shopping, when I saw
a Cashier talking to a boy couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years
old..

The Cashier said, ‘I’m sorry, but you don’t have enough money to buy
this doll. Then the little boy turned to me and asked: ”Uncle, are
you sure I don’t have enough money?”

I counted his cash and replied: ”You know that you don’t have enough
money to buy the doll, my dear.” The little boy was still holding the
doll in his hand.

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give
this doll to. ‘It’s the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so
much . I wanted to Gift her for her BIRTHDAY.

I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my
sister when she goes there.’ His eyes were so sad while saying this.
‘My Sister has gone to be with God.. Daddy says that Mommy is going to
see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with
her to give it to my sister…”

My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said: ‘I
told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I
come back from the mall.’ Then he showed me a very nice photo of him
where he was laughing. He then told me ‘I want mommy to take my
picture with her so my sister won’t forget me.’ ‘I love my mommy and I
wish she doesn’t have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go
to be with my little sister.’ Then he looked again at the doll with
sad eyes, very quietly..

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. ‘Suppose we check
again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?”

‘OK’ he said, ‘I hope I do have enough.’ I added some of my money to
his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough
for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: ‘Thank you God for giving me enough money!’

Then he looked at me and added, ‘I asked last night before I went to
sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so
that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!” ‘I also wanted
to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn’t
dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll
and a white rose. My mommy loves white roses.’

I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I
started. I couldn’t get the little boy out of my mind. Then I
remembered a local

news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a
truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl. The
little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical
state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the
life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to
recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news
paper that the young woman had passed away.. I couldn’t stop myself as
I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where
the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make
last wishes before her burial. She was there, in her coffin, holding a
beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and
the doll placed over her chest. I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling
that my life had been changed for ever…

The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is
still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a
drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Please DO NOT DRINK & DRIVE.

SHARE THIS STORY IF IT DID TOUCH YOUR HEART 

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Blind man with a creative way to read a menu

 

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits
down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and
hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read
the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it
and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the
dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's
table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose
and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and
mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks
towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her
what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and
the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get
you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it
to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says,
"That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks
the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the
next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time
the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your
panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the
fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered
you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes
a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

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Reasons why dogs are better than women

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that flatulence is funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk and the
back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you

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When I sneeze have an orgasm

 

A man and a woman were sitting beside each
other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped
her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to
fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few
minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took
a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered
violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold,
the man was still curious about the
shuddering. A few more minutes passed when
the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose,
her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man
turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help
but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
Are you OK?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have
an orgasm. '

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was
still curious. I have never heard of that
condition before' he said. 'Are you taking
anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

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I am going to have sex for the first time

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
night and have dinner with her parents. Since
this is such a big event, the girl announces to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had
sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He
tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy
how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,
10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the
family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's
parents house and meets his girlfriend at the
door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated. The
boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from
the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down,
the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no
idea your father was a pharmacist."

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Dad and Son’s funny and weird perspectives of what politics is

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

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Shortening isnt necessary

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?

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THE CREATION OF LIFE- FUNNY VERSION

The first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

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WTF sex facts: Chapter 5

The biggest porn collection of the 18th century was owned by Sir Francis Dashwood of England.

Chinese scientists say Viagra doesn't help pandas to breed in captivity.

A study by Northwestern University found women got turned on when shown a video of bonobo monkey sex, but men didn't.

Japan's oldest porn star is a man named Shigeo Tokuda, who is 77-years-old.

The candle is the artificial device used most frequently by women as a dildo. Tip: shape it with a lighter.

Orgasms boost infection-fighting cells up to 20%.

When a male deer rubs his antlers on a tree, it is a form of masturbation.

Experts say frequent masturbation in ways that don't simulate sex with a partner (for example, too fast) can develop retarded ejaculation.

A new study out of Ohio State University says women think about food more than sex.

The average man has 11 erections per day and 9 erections a night.

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Is that all we have left? Worries of a wife

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first
night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said,
"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

 

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40 WAYS MEN FAIL IN BED

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.

Avoiding her lips and diving straight

for the erogenous zones makes her

feel like you're paying by the hour and

trying to get your money's worth by

cutting out nonessentials. A properly

passionate kiss is the ultimate form of

foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.

Admit it, some kid at school told you

girls love this. Well, there's a

difference between being erotic and

blowing as if you're trying to

extinguish the candles on your 50th

birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.

You often forget you have a

porcupine strapped to your chin

which you rake repeatedly across your

partner's face and thighs. When she

turns her head from side to side, it's

not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.

Most men act like a housewife testing

a melon for ripeness when they get

their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress,

and soothe them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.

Why do men fasten onto a woman's

nipples, then clamp down like they're

trying to deflate her body via her

breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.

They can' t stand up to chewing. Lick

and suck them gently. Flicking your

tongue across them is good.

Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.

Stop doing that thing where you

twiddle the nipples between finger

and thumb like you're trying to find a

radio station in a hilly area. Focus on

the whole breasts, not just the

exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF

HER BODY.

A woman is not a highway with just

three turnoffs: Breastville East and

West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There

are vast areas of her body which

you've ignored far too often as you go

bombing straight into downtown

Vagina. So start paying them some

attention.

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.

Poor manual dexterity in the

underskirt region can result in tangled

fingers and underpants. If you're

going to be that aggressive, just ask

her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.

Condom disposal is the man's

responsibility. You wore it, you store

it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.

Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so

gently rotate your fingers along side of

the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.

Women, unlike men, don't pick up

where they left off. If you stop, they

plummet back to square one very fast.

If you can tell she's not there, keep

going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.

Women hate looking stupid, but

stupid she will look when naked at the

waist with a sweater stuck over her

head. Unwrap her like an elegant

present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING

FOREPLAY.

Stroking her gently through her

panties can be very sexy. Pulling the

material up between her thighs and

yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE

VAGINA.

Although most men can find the

clitoris without maps, they still believe

that the vagina is where it's all at. No

sooner is your hand down there than

you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes

up a chimney. This is okay in principle,

but if you're not careful, it can hurt -

so don't get carried away. It's best to

pay more attention to her clitoris and

the exterior of her vagina at first, then

gently slip a finger inside her and see

if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.

You're attempting to give her a

sensual, relaxing massage to get her

in the mood. Hands and fingertips are

okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.

Don't force the issue by stripping

before she' s at least made some move

toward getting your stuff off, even if

it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.

A man in socks and underpants is a at

his worst. Lose the socks first!

18) GOING TOO FAST.

When you get to the penis-in-vagina

situation, the worst thing you can do

is pump away like an industrial power

tool - she' ll soon feel lie an assembly-

line worker made obsolete by your

technology. Build up slowly, with

clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.

If you bash your great triangular hip

bones into her thigh or stomach, the

pain is equal to two weeks of

horseback riding concentrated into a

few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.

Every man's fear. With reason. If you

shoot before you see the whites of

her eyes, make sure you have a

backup plan to ensure her pleasure

too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.

It may appear to you that humping for

an hour without climaxing is the mark

of a sex god, but to her it's more likely

the mark of a numb vagina. At least

buy some intriguing wall hangings, so

she has something to hold her

interest while you're playing Marathon

Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.

You really ought to be able to tell.

Most women make noise. But if you

really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO

GENTLY.

Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of

milk. Get your whole mouth down

there, and concentrate on gently

rotating or flicking your tongue on her

clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.

Men persist in doing this until she's

eyeball- to-penis, hoping that it will

lead very swiftly to mouth-to -penis. All

women hate this. It's about three

steps from being dragged to a cave by

their hair. If you want her to use her

mouth, use yours; try talking

seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU

CLIMAX.

Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with

egg white. Not everybody likes it.

When she's performing oral sex, warn

her before you come so she can do

what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING

FELLATIO.

Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving

during fellatio. You just lie there. And

don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM

PORN MOVIES.

In X-rated movies, women seem to

love it when men ejaculate over them.

In real life, it just means more laundry

to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR

AGES.

Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying

there grunting while she does all the

hard work is not. Caress her gently, so

that she doesn't feel quite so much

like the captain of a schooner. And let

her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND

PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

This is how men earn a reputation for

not being able to follow directions. If

you want to put it there, ask her first.

And don't think that being drunk is an

excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.

When a man says, "Can I take a photo

of you?" she'll hear the words "__to

show my buddies." At least let her

have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE

ENOUGH.

Imagination is anything from drawing

patterns on her back to pouring

honey on her and licking it off. Fruit,

vegetables, ice and feathers are all

handy props; hot candle wax and

permanent dye are a no-no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH

AGAINST HERS.

There is no less erotic noise. It's as

sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID

POSES.

If she wants to do advanced yoga in

bed, fine, but unless she's a

Romanian gymnast, don't get too

ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a

sexual partner with snapped

hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.

Read this carefully: Anal stimulation

feels good for men because they have

a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.

It is highly erotic to exert some gentle

suction on the sides of the neck, if

you do it carefully. No woman wants

to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty

scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.

Don't shout encouragement like a

coach with a megaphone. It's not a

big turn-on .

37) TALKING DIRTY.

It makes you sound like a lonely

magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If

she likes nasty talk, she'll let you

know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE

COMES.

You have to finish the job. Keep on

trying until you get it right, and she

might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.

Men generally weigh more than

women, so if you lie on her a bit too

heavily, she will turn blue.

40) NOT THANKING HER.

Don't forget that you're a slob and

you're lucky to have that goddess in

your life. Be sure to thank her with

BOTH words and actions.

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