honest marriage vows

funny story i read and i decided to share it with you all.... Here goes ....


We are gathered here in the presence of God and men to join these people in holy matrimony. We know they have been sleeping together in secret but now that can do it with the knowledge of everyone.


And as marriage is holy, at least in theory, I put it forth that if there is anyone in this gathering who has a valid reason why these two should not be joined, speak now or forever hold your peace. Anyone ..... Is there anyone .....? C'mon, he must have slept with some of you? Someone.... ? Anyone .... ? I know someone here has slept with her too? Well, I guess they were all one night stands.


Moving on swiftly. Mr Groom, do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded bride, to love to cherish and to hold, to listen to her whinning halfway through the night, always suck up to his father, to always lose an argument or else..., to listen to unending lies about her having a headache when you really need to release steam, put up with PMS... sometime faked... till death do you part?


(I do?.....)


Very well. And do you Miss Bride, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love to cherish and to hold. To cook for, clean up after, give up watching soaps and anything interesting when there is football, find the toilet seat up everytime, Clean pee of it, take care fo kids alone, house his in laws, cook tea for his friends during any important game for all the days of your life?


(I do? .... )


Well then, I pronounce you husband and wife. What God has joined, let no man, neighbor, handsome workmate, barmaid, beer brand, ex's, in-laws, milkman,gardener, driver or sexy secretary put asunder. You may kiss the bride...


Now THAT i call honesty!

Tweet

Dont say this to a nak*d man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
...
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.


11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.


16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.


21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?


26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

Tweet

crazy machine's diagnosis

A guy once hurt his arm when playing tennis. His friend told him of this new machine that could diagnose any problem in a human and prescribe an appropriate remedy. All it needed was a small sample of body fluid.

The guy, skeptical, went to test it out. He put in some of his blood in the small container he was given and put it in the machine.

The results came out instantaneously and said,"You have a tennis arm. Rub with ointment and soak in warm water daily."

The guy was genuinly impressed. But, he thought he could trick the machine and confuse it.

He went home and mixed up different things. He put in the dog's urine, his daughter's spit, a bit of his wife's blood(He told her it was just a test) and finally his semen.

He went back to the machine the next day and put in the mixture he'd made.

The machine was quiet for a while. Just as the man thought he'd won, the results came out.

"Your dog has fleas. Get a veterinary. Your daughter is taking heroin. Take her to a rehabilitation center. Your wife is pregnant. And the baby's not yours. Get a lawyer. Stop masturbating or your tennis arm won't heal."

recommended story dosage
guts or balls
perfect day 
pretty women are also gas releasers 
Tweet